Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Mr. Hyde Comes to Work

Well this is the worst day I've had at work in a very, very long time. It involved really strong pesticides, 2 Irishmen, 2 Englishmen, 1 South African, and a whole bunch of Mexicans, 4 super big John Deere tractors and a lot of emotion. The mission: to inject 65 acres or so of golf course grass with enough poison to kill as many nematodes as possible, without destroying the golf course and/or killing any of the afor mentioned foreigners. You see, nematodes are parasitic, microscopic round worms and have become public enemy #1 for greenskeepers in Florida. So, if you're a nematode, today was Dooms Day.

This turned into a bad day, right about the time I turned into Mr. Hyde. At work, I have a personal mission statement, or guiding principle, or core value...whatever, and it goes something like this:

  • Work is inherantly difficult, otherwise people would do it for free.
  • Because it's hard, try not to make it harder for yourself or others.
  • Since we are all getting paid to work, do it well. Else, Mr. Hyde will show up.

Mr. Hyde likes to use the "F" word. He likes to remind people that they work for him and that he can change that, any time he chooses. Mr. Hyde hates people and thinks that he can do anything better than anybody else. Mr. Hyde is a jerk.

I'm not like Mr. Hyde. I like to motivate and empower people by word and deed. I believe the proverb that says, "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. But when I stumbled onto the scene today and found agricultural WMD's were being used indiscriminately against both nematodes and the United Nations delegation that had been asssigned to the task ... I lost it.

As it turns out, they really only screwed up one golf hole. It's amazing how much smoother things went after Mr. Hyde showed up. I heard that there was a lot of yelling (in several languages) , and gesturing with the middle finger (the universal language) after I left. That's the kind of impact jerks like Mr. Hyde can have on a workplace. But what the heck, it's hard to argue with the results. So, tomorrow's another day, and there are 85 more acres of nematodes to destroy. I don't think we'll need Mr. Hyde tomorrow. He can stay home and brush up on his Machiavelli or ... something.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

This is your brain.

You know you're having a bad day when your neurologist puts up 2 different MRI's on the light board and says, "This is your brain. And then pointing to the other one says, this is what a normal brain is supposed to look like." He then asked me if I drink (alcohol). When I told him no, he encouraged me to start.

I didn't plan on this. I planned on dying of heart disease by the time I reached 53. Now, I've got to figure out how to navigate the rest of my life with a significant portion of my brain permanently damaged. And by what you may ask? My first guess was the cornucopia of illicit drugs that I smoked, injested and snorted during the 70's. But no... the good doctor said that I have high cholesterol... and there you go. I swear no one ever told me that you could eat yourself stupid. He also said to never smoke again (it's been 25 years since I'd quit smoking ((except for that 6 months in 1998 when I fell off the wagon)). Has anyone ever heard that smoking can cause brain damage? He even cautioned me about second hand smoke. I wonder if I can sue my parents. I think the neurologist is winging it.

Ironically, it all started on Good Friday of this year. Sat down for dinner with the family, and while we were saying grace, I slipped into another dimension. The emergency room physician called it Transient Global Amensia (TGA). I couldn't remember who people were or where I worked. The good news is that for about 2 hours I'd forgotten that George W. was the president of the United States. Anyway, it all came back to me, and it was kind of fun until they started looking under the hood.

Did you know that your brain consists of grey matter and white matter. The grey matter is the really important stuff, that which you can't do without. It's on the surface of the brain, like an orange peel. The white matter is the circuitry that the grey matter uses to communicate with. It's deeper inside the brain, like the pulp of an orange. Did you ever get an orange that looked real good on the outside, but the inside was kind of dried out. That's my brain. Now you know just about as much as my neurologist.

Well, thanks to the miracles of modern chemestry, my cholesterol is now low enough where I can start worrying about dying from something else. I need more sleep than ever before, but I'm ok with that, since it is the ultimate form of escapism. I'm getting accustomed to the tinitis. It's like listening to a radio station that's just not quite tuned in all the way. And I am enjoying the daily cocktail. Cheers.